March 27, 2015

It's been a while since I have been on my blog. Life gets away from me, but only because I let it. Everything seems important, more important than ourselves. Family, children, grandchildren, husband, did you notice I put husband last? He really is first in my thinking and prioritizing. My question is why I am always last, why are the thoughts that my needs are not as important as the rest of my life? Is that selfish? I use to think so, but I have come to the conclusion that that is not a true statement. It isn't selfish. So how do I put what I want first without feeling guilty about it? I look at really successful women, and I wonder if they feel guilty or have they conquered the ugly beast. I have decided that all women feel guilty about something everyday, it's how we are wired, or maybe it's how we were conditioned by the women role models we had. I want my daughter to be a women that is sure of herself and loves herself while still taking care of her family. There isn't a need for guilt, there isn't a need for feeling less than. We are strong as women and have been handed some of the greatest work in the world, no, the universe. Raising and loving our families while still being successful in whatever we set out to do. I have changed much since raising children; I have learned to wait, to have patience that things will work out. I have learned that small things are just that, small. If we want, we can make them big, but it's a personal choice. I have learned that the easiest way to forgive others is not to let them live in your head. Things happen, and then life goes on. If we hold on to anger, jealousy, spite, then everyday we get to live that thing over again. Now don't get me wrong, I have learned that letting go takes time and effort, forgiveness takes time and effort. Most of all, forgiving ourselves takes time and effort. I have learned that people are people, just like me. We all make mistakes, we all try our best, and that is all we can do. But we have to keep trying to be better. I have learned that life has a way of teaching us what we need to know, if we get the hint and learn, we get to move on and learn something else. If we don't learn we get to keep getting the same lesson over and over. I recently had a young woman come into my life and she had me convinced that she had been victimized by an ex-husband and the justice system. Not only had me convinced, but my husband and my son. Within a few short months and thousands of dollars later, we found out that she had used our family to get gain and then she moved on. At first I was devastated that I had allowed myself and my family to be played like that. I was angry and made the remark that I would never be caught unawares like that again. Now when I look at it, I can see a very important lesson to be learned, while I don't want to be the kind of person that in untrusting, I have learned that I need to wait to help others until they can prove themselves. I didn't do that, I believed that she was honest and forthcoming. I believed her unconditionally. Why? I don't know. She knew how to manipulate honest people. I am thankful for this lesson I have learned. I'm not angry or bitter. Money is just money and people are people.